First, I want to start with some disclaimers.- I am a seducer, I love women and I love relationships. Moreover, I have devoted most of my life to the study of women, people and relationships. Finally, I believe that you should enjoy relationships, to the fullest, do the best you can in relationships, make yourself and your partner/s happy, including being vulnerable and if things go wrong just have the skill set/game to deal with it.
Now that I got that disclaimer out of the way, this is an article that I ran into reddit, and I posted in a seduction forum to spark a discussion on the stage of Marriage, mainly in the western world and with modern women. Here it goes, source Reddit:
I’m a therapist and in my late 30’s. I’m starting to see more of my female friends and clients being described as “low libido” because they have no desire to have sex with their husband. Often I hear them say things like, “I wouldn’t care if we never had sex again,” or “I just never feel like having sex.” However, these same women either get into affairs and can’t get enough of their AP, or they get divorced and then can’t get enough of their new boyfriend. That’s not really “low libido.”
This isn’t very revolutionary, Esther Perel has been talking about it for a while, but I’m wondering about the women in this subreddit. How many of you women are married to pretty great guys, but just feel NO spark or desire towards them? He doesn’t beat you, he doesn’t verbally abuse you, he works full time and supports your family, he’s a good father, etc. but you may really believe that he’s a bad partner because you’ve demonized him in your mind to justify your affair(s).
This is my situation. My husband is a great man. He’s a shitty communicator, but that’s not unique. However, when I started having affairs, I was telling myself how horrible he was and how I’m not “meant to be with someone like him.” I was justifying my affairs so I wouldn’t feel like a horrible person for not desiring him and wanting to have sex with other men.
Sometimes, people don’t even realize that this is what’s happening. I think lots of women say they have “low libido” because they assume that must be the problem if they don’t want to have sex with their husbands, who they really do care about. And then if they DO realize what’s happening, they will rarely admit to it because they don’t want to be seen as a bad spouse or a slut, and they honestly don’t want to hurt their husband’s feelings or bruise his ego.
I think more often then not, that this is what’s happening in long-term relationships. Women lose desire for their husband because they’re bored with him. He’s probably still fairly attractive to her, in that if he weren’t her husband, she’d check him out if he walked by her on the street. He’s probably a good person, good father, and a pretty good partner. She really wishes she wanted to have sex with him because it’s causing problems in her marriage, but just doesn’t want to. Some people might refer to it as the “Seven Year Itch.” At this point in the marriage/relationship, she may seek out an affair because she starts to demonize him as being a bad partner, and he may seek out an affair because he’s not getting sex at home, and sex IS a big deal and it IS important!
If people realized this and/or admitted that this was what was occurring, would it change the way long-term relationships seem to be playing out?
edit: And also a couple questions for the men in the subreddit: 1) Is it hurtful to think that this could be what happened in your marriage? 2) If this is what happened, would it change anything for you – would you have handled it differently?
edit 2: Thanks everyone for your feedback. I have another question: How do you feel about differences in sexual desires for men and women play into this? I know it’s a generalization to say that “men are more visual,” and there are always exceptions, but do you all think there’s some truth to this? So, if a man is still attracted to his wife, and she’s there and she’s changing and he sees her tits or her ass, or whatever he is into, he’s going to want to fuck her, right. Many women’s sexual desire is very much related to their thought process – this is why romance novels and romantic movies are so popular among women. More women seek out written erotica than men. It’s more than just having a man who has a nice body in front of you. It’s hard to have an erotic fantasy about the guy who throws his socks on the ground instead of the hamper EVERY DAY, or lays in bed next to you farting.
If you are a follower of this blog, I brought similar points here, so I don’t want to say I told you so, but these 2 answers to the post stood out for me which confirm what EXACTLY what I have previously been pointing out, here is by a wife somewhere:
In my marriage, I’d take it even a step further; my SO is fantastic in all the ways mentioned, including sex. We have a fairly active sex life after 11 years of marriage and nearly 18 together, and I do still desire him, sometimes when we’re having sex, I think it’s the best ever, he knows me so well and what I like. He’s attractive, sweet, funny, smart, good provider, good father, everything a girl could ever want. But yet….here I am, messing around. I think for me it is the feeling of being desired by someone new, that I’ve still “got it” or some other sick validation.
And here is a brilliant dude, making the same point, I have made over and over and over again:
The second a woman believes she doesn’t have to provide sex to keep a relationship, they will shut down. Every. Single. Time. The women in that thread–give them real fear that they could get replaced in a snap and watch the attraction surge back. It will never happen because these aren’t good men–they are decent wallets.
I have fucked many many married women and I have cause numerous divorces and break ups (accidentally since by the time I knew it was too late). This is the structure of relationships by author Michelle Langley’s
Structure for a marriage:
-She pushes men for commitment
-She gets what she wants
-She loses interest in sex… Um at least with him…
-She becomes attracted to someone else.
-She starts cheating
-She begins telling their him that they need time apart
-She blames their him for her behavior…and eventually, after a long time of vacillating back and forth, they end their relationships or marriage.
^ here is the breakdown of that structure illustrated by some points brought and experienced by me and develop and articulated by one of the upcoming seducer superstars the thin man:
-She loses her virginity to a non-threatening nice boy on prom night or whatever…
-She leaves home and the nice boy at the end of the summer after senior year because she wants to find herself in college or whatever.
-She fucks a bunch of dickish alphas, bad boys and players in training… The sex is good but the relationships are poor and flaky or they are mostly just hookups.
-She kisses a girl and she likes it… She gets a male gay friend.
-She meets a nice boy who is a little more mature and manly then the one from prom night… He might have a bit of something going on even…
-She goes nuts on social media… I met the most perfect guy OMG he is soo great, he is sweet and nice and cute… OMG… I never like guys like this he does not even have any tattoos. Everybody pleeese be super happy for me I met THE ONE!
-They have very awesome sex because New Relationship Energy makes sex feel great… because it integrates the physicality with an emotion which is awesome… (There are other more sustainable ways to do this but uninitiated people don’t know that…)
-She brings THE ONE home to her parent’s big suburban house… The parents are ecstatic about THE ONE because the last guy was an emo-vampire with a pieced tongue.. And the one will even go with Dad to the country club and play golf.
-She fills her psychological Jacuzzi with all of the warm validation and basks in it… In a one-piece because because her naked Jacuzzi days are over… She found THE ONE!
-She pushes THE ONE for commitment… hard…
-She gets what she wants… A diamond ring that cost THE ONE a years bonus, and a marriage proposal. THE ONE does a good job of the proposal, using his limited game and good romantic logistics… The post engagement, ring sex, is spectacular… He thinks he is the luckiest man in the world.
-She and her mother begin to plan the wedding… This goes on for a year and it is a mess… A vast labyrinth of conflicting fantasy scenarios and bad daughter-mom… Your are wearing That?! energy. He feels a little lost and left out… Like an accessory or a hand bag… to his own life so he calls his… Older Brother, Uncle, Dad etc… and they say,” Relax weddings are about chicks let them do what they want… Just show up on time”
-They get married… Which changes nothing for a while… Being married is fun and it is a nice connected way to live… Pair bonding is a rush.
-They buy a house which is super fun, real estate purchases are an aphrodisiac. They buy lots of stuff at Bed Bath and beyond and The Home Depot… Painting and fucking ensues… He is content… She is getting this nagging feeling…
-She loses interest in sex… Um at least with him… and he is concerned… but says nothing, because it is awkward, and instead consumes more porn on the sly.
-Then she feels the biological clock ticking ans says,” I WANT A BABY,” and regains interest in sex at least when the test kit says she is fertile… This sex is kind of wired but hey he figures I am getting laid…
-She is pregnant horny and he has lots of very odd funky sex… Which is cool because it makes up for the pregnant hormonal states that resemble 5-alarm PMS but more surreal. But hey having a baby is awesome and exciting and it will go in the back bedroom…Painting and fucking ensues. His brain chemicals begin to shift in relation to her heightened hormonal pregnancy state and his desire for verity plummets, and he consumes much less porn.
-The baby is born… Amazing! He gets this massive jolt of all kinds of hormonal brain chemical stuff… That feels great but also shuts off his desire for variety and also lowers his libido. Which is ok because babies are awesome. This effect is more or less significant depending on his ongoing proximity to the baby.
-One of two things happen…
1. She bonds totally to the baby and quits her job… Abruptly and without much warning. Any attempt to discuss the economic ramifications of this decision is met by a monsoon of tears…. He spends more time at the office afar all the money is all on him… Ending the baby anit-libido effect. She becomes an “Expert Mom” breast feeding continues until long after the baby is old enough to ask for it. Her libido is very low. He feels lonely and consumes more porn. Many naturals or ex-players will get a side piece in this situation… This is the classic guys suck and are all dogs cheating scenario… But most guys just fap to the great electronic titties in the sky. Porn is the opiate of the people.
2. She is depressed and wireded out by the baby and practically throws the kid at him the moment he walks in the door… Here you deal with this. She acts as if she is the only person in the world that ever cared for an infant and she, ”Fucking Hates It.” He figures it must just be the lack of sleep so he takes the night shift with the kid and she goes back to work quickly… He consumes more cappuccino… Being a guy he views the baby as an intriguing puzzle and begins to read up of technique. It turns out babies are like vintage MG’s they are temperamental, require a precise but ever changing balance of fluids, they are always dripping something, but when you get it all right they just purrrrr. Peace returns to the household until her friends starts to comment about what a good and devoted dad he is. In chick world this means, “ Your man isn’t sexy and you are a lousy mom…” She freaks and reads every baby book in the world and although she does not help much with the actual work she suddenly has all kinds of charts and schedules to tell him how to do it right. This creates a situation not entirely unlike trying to fix a 60’s vintage MG while somebody keeps handing you metric wrenches.
-Bed death… Or…. I WANT ANOTHER BABY! Wash rinse repeat.
-More bed death, more porn, more office, more activities to distract from the bed death…
-Soccer, volunteer charity work, scouts, ballet, piano, gymnastics… Sleep overs and cocktails.
-Cocktails and porn…
-She becomes attracted to someone else. Probably an ex, or a player type. He is too busy with the soccer, and the grill, and mixing manhattans, and going to counsel meetings to realize what is up.
-She goes on a diet, starts going to the gym, buying lingerie, and gets a new hair cut… Often she also get a tattoo.
-She starts cheating usually with the player type or the ex… although it can be something else… Often it is the boss. I am regularly shocked at the low SMV of the guys they choose…Too.
-She begins telling him that they need time apart… Which really means that she likes having a babysitter while she is getting laid.
-She blames him for her behavior… And thinks up a million reasons why he is a terrible guy. Her friends are inspired by her new independence, sexy new look, and renewed vitality… They encourage the break up, mostly because they like the drama and would like to break up with their own hubbies, but some of them might like to fuck her husband if he is free.
-Eventually, after a long time of vacillating back and forth, they end their relationships or marriage and she takes half his stuff… Or not and it happens quickly, because he wakes up to red pill reality and uses her distracted state to quietly make legal maneuvers that put him in a better position in the divorce… Or never because they arrive at some kind of an open relationship arrangement.
-She thinks the player will replace the hubby, and seeks attention, pushes for commitment, wants to move in… He is like, “too much drama from a fuck buddy…” NEXT… and dumps her… Sometimes he leaves her with a souvenir STD.
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